Blasted Hormones and "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"

Next week is the 2-year anniversary of when God "parted the waters" to get us to Italy.  As i said in my post about Molly, i have a terrible memory on some things, but i have the "gift" of remembering dates/events.  I've been considering writing about our Italian life as we go through these next 4 months, and if we get to make our mission/survey trip to the U.K. and Italy in November, i plan to blog about that each day.

I am smack dab in the middle of my 40's now, and even though changing hormones are NOT an issue with me yet, i think i'm old enough to use it as a light-hearted excuse for all the times that i can't hold back the tears over things that others think are silly or almost insignificant.  So whenever i mention "blasted hormones" in my post, you'll know why.

Last week, i heard the song "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire", officially known as "The Christmas Song". It took me approximately 2 seconds to recognize it, and just as immediately to burst into tears.  There are a hundred different things that remind me of our life in Italy, but very few are as emotional to me as hearing that song because of what it reminds me of.

Our church apartment (the "Upper Room") was situated at the "T" of Corso Palladio, the most famous pedestrian street in Vicenza.  Whenever we walked out our door, we could either turn right, left, or go straight onto Corso Palladio.  Across the street from us was a piazza (a small park) situated in front of a big, beautiful white museum with columns, statues and marble steps around the front.  The steps that faced Corso Palladio was our internet spot, the closest location we could go to get on the computer.  Which we did multiple times every day.  Whether it was warm, cold, sunny, raining, snowing, early morning, late evening, rush hour, whatever.  To check the bank balance, email, facebook, make phone calls on skype to friends and family, participate in ladies bible study with Grace Harbor church via skype video, whatever.  And besides our internet spot, we would very often (daily) walk on up Corso Palladio and the surrounding neighborhoods.  The only supermarket within walking distance was at the opposite end of the street (less than a mile?), and in between was an entire historic and beautiful neighborhood (500-800 year old buildings) of shops that covered everything from very high-end clothing and decorating boutiques to 2 locations of Tutti al Euro (Everything's a Dollar).  Just up the street and around the corner was the Piazza Dei Signori where the twice-weekly markets, the Chocolate Festival and the Christmas & Epiphany markets were held.  And every Saturday evening Corso Palladio was where the "passagiatta" happened (the evening stroll, where everyone is out walking around seeing and being seen).

And every time we walked out our front door and across the street, there was the chestnut stand, where a lady with short, spiky, flaming red hair (or her husband) was roasting chestnuts.  Randall & i bought a bag once, when we had the money, because neither of us had ever had chestnuts that we knew of.  One bag was all we ever bought; we weren't impressed so it must be an acquired taste.

So every single weekday (because we were in Italy during the entire fall season, past Christmas & Epiphany), and even on Sunday afternoons during the Christmas season, we saw her (or him) whether we thought about it or not.  I wonder if she thought it was weird that we passed by her so often with laptop in hand to go sit on the steps across the street.  And so many times i would start singing the chestnut song, either in part or from beginning to end, to whichever family member was with me.  Just trying to be light-hearted.  And because i've always liked that song, but somehow when you're living in a foreign culture singing a song you've known all your life is comforting.

So since i fell apart over the chestnut song last week, i've been trying to remember if there was any other person that we saw more frequently than the chestnut lady or her husband, and nobody else comes to mind.  And what shatters my heart is that i never really attempted to converse with her, except to acknowledge her with a "Buon Giorno" if i caught her eye as i passed by, or the one time we bought the bag of chestnuts from her.  It probably seems to most of you reading this, as it does to me as i write this in retrospect, that it should have been a great big "duh" to have tried to talk with her.  But if you've read my testimony you'll know that i spent the majority of the 100 days in a sort of crisis mode with life. Thankfully Randall made small attempts, such as on a rainy day he said "Che bello tempo!" (What beautiful weather!), and she replied with a smile, "per un'anatra" (for a duck)."

I have looked up our neighborhood on Google Maps, and you can see our church apartment, the "internet steps" and the chestnut stand; unfortunately it wasn't open when the photo was taken.  If we get to go to Italy in November, you'd better believe i'll be buying a bag of chestnuts from her.  And attempting to talk to her.  If i can hold back the stupid tears long enough to not look like an idiot.

P.S. Just so you understand how sappy and sentimental i am, i couldn't even edit this post without crying.  Blasted hormones!

9/8 Deathdate Musings - grateful for blessings!

Seventeen years ago last night, as i laid down to sleep in the waiting room of Arkansas Children's Hospital, i so distinctly remember telling Randall that i hoped when i awoke in the morning everything we'd just been told would have been a nightmare, not reality.  Sadly it was reality.

No matter how many years pass by, we mamas (and daddies) remember all the minute-by-minute details of our children's death.  I have trouble remembering names and taking my blood pressure pill and whether i shampooed my hair yesterday, but i remember tiny little snipets of those last 20 hours as if i'm watching a slow-motion film.  Like after the doctor told us Wednesday evening that if Molly didn't show any signs of improvement from the ekg they'd do the next morning they'd have to take her off the ECMO unit, and how suddenly sugar sweet the nurses were to us, offering to allow me to "sponge bathe" Molly (very tricky with all the tubes and wires she was hooked up to).  And how i'd already read through the entire Beginner's Bible aloud to her during that week, but i read it aloud to her from beginning to end again between Wednesday evening and Thursday afternoon.  And waking up at 5:30 Thursday morning (to a cold reality rather than a nightmare) to go in and sit with her and read and sing to her some more.  And the chaplain who spent time ministering to us and showing us a selection of little bitty smocked gowns to choose from that ladies routinely make for these kind of occasions.  And how every spare moment i had that morning i spent in the chapel begging God to save her life.

And i remember the various friends and family, and friends of friends who dropped in at the hospital to minister to us, and i SO DISTINCTLY remember how comforting that was to me.  Some were people i hadn't seen since graduating from Harding, but they dropped everything and came to Little Rock when they heard what was happening.  I remember being allowed to hold Molly for the last time before they would remove her from life support, and being told that i could take as much time as i wanted.  But i've never been one to prolong the inevitable, so after about 5 minutes i handed her back to them and told them to get it over with.  She wasn't conscious anyway, and the fact was i could have sat there for the rest of my life just holding her, but what was the point?  And then we all sat outside the room and waited for about 30 minutes, till one of the doctors came out and said she'd already "expired".  (I can't tell you how much i loathe that word when used for people - coupons "expire", not babies.)  And how i simply couldn't believe that God missed the opportunity for a miracle.

I also remember how my precious husband kept telling me throughout that week, and throughout that day, that "We're gonna praise God, no matter what."  I'd never heard or thought of that before, so it was a new concept to me.  And a strange one.

So now here we are, 17 years later, same day of the week, even.  Still remembering and sobbing.  And still learning/trying to praise God no matter what happens.  Looking around me and seeing that same precious husband, a thousand times more dear to me than 17 years ago, and 2 precious children, and even a dog. (But the dog is only precious because of my children :0)  Anytime someone i'm meeting asks me how many children we have, there's always this moment of hesitation and indecision of how to answer.  We have 2 children here to be seen by all, but the fact is we have 3 children - one of them is waiting for us in heaven.

14 of 14: The Conclusion (at least for today)

CONCLUSION

(Don't start here! Go to 1 of 14)

There was a lot more that happened in Italy, several more facets to this testimony than what I’ve told here. But what I have told you is most relevant. Our story can be summed up in this: God called us to go to Italy, and we obeyed. He called us to go to Italy FULLY, 100% trusting Him for EVERYTHING, and we obeyed. By the time we arrived in Italy I fully believed we had found some “secret”, some “great revelation” to trusting in God, and that depending on Him alone for our funding was going to bring Him amazing glory. I wanted everyone else to be in on this “secret” too. I fully believed that God would provide the other 82%, whatever that was. He obviously had other ideas for us, knowing that my faith needed to be stretched in ways that I never imagined “He would do to us.”

I want to make a very important point here: I have by no means “arrived” on this trusting-in-God issue. I am still struggling with it, even now. It is actually one reason that it took me 2 1/2 months to write this testimony, because I woke up so many days thinking how totally unqualified I am to write about fully trusting in God when in fact I am freaking out about where He has us now and how it makes no sense and I’m sick of living like this. But I now have the lessons of our Italy experience to give me something to work with as I wrestle with walking by faith and not by sight.

And that explains why Abraham is one of my favorite Bible examples right now. When Abraham lived his life on earth, so far as we know, God had never asked someone else to leave their homeland and family to “Go to the land I will show you.” So far as we know God had never asked for the sacrifice of one’s child. He did not even have the law yet to go by. And yet Abraham did these things and more with faith in God Most High. It seems that the majority of his life was spent not having a clue what God was doing or why He was calling Abraham to such unprecedented actions, yet Abraham obeyed anyway. And when he breathed his last, he still didn’t have most of the answers. Yet we have his example in Hebrews of profound faith to trust God when God simply didn’t make sense. That is unspeakably meaningful to me.

Also, I can’t wrap this up without mentioning Emily. Our daughter who never wanted to go to Italy in the first place, but went along with it because that’s her way. And then when we moved there, she was the one who experienced the worst culture shock, so that I was ready to ship her back home on the next plane (not really, but she was exasperating). Since we’ve been back, I’ve asked her how she’ll feel about our next move to Italy, and she said it’ll be fine with her (she has never been one for long, flowery responses).

Back in January, she announced to her daddy and me that God has called her to missions in England. Let me unwrap that for you a little more slowly: she announced to her daddy and me (first time she’s ever announced anything to us), that God has called her (first time she’s ever indicated that she’s listening or receptive to God speaking to her), to missions (first time missions has ever been mentioned as part of her own future), in England (the girl who said before moving to Italy that she just wanted to keep living in Fayetteville in a house with a dog near family). I still cannot speak of it without sobbing. God is so amazing!

Once again, the Job 23:8-10 scripture - “…He is not there…I do not find Him…I do not see Him…I catch no glimpse of Him…but (Praise God!) He KNOWS THE WAY THAT I TAKE!” GLORY!!

13 of 14: Time to Process: Part 2

Second Wave of Processing: July- onward – I reached the point where I could look back at the suffering we’d gone through, realizing that God was there all along, astonished and amazed that He considered us worthy enough to suffer for Him, and say to Him, humbly and with tears, “I’d do it all over again if You want me to, in a heartbeat.”

Third Wave: God helped me realize that pride and arrogance had been issues with me during part of this journey – as somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction to all the criticism we received for not doing missions the “standard way”.

Fourth Wave: When I seriously didn’t think there could be anymore processing left to experience, God gave me even more. While I was going through Beth Moore’s John the Beloved Disciple study, a concept came up that was profoundly meaningful to me:

“The very thing that set John apart and made him the fertile soil into which God could sow the seeds of such a gospel, such epistles, and such a revelation – John remained nearby Jesus…, (John is the only disciple that we’re told stood nearby Jesus throughout His trial/beatings/crucifixion) stood nearby when human reason implied that his faithful Leader’s mission had failed… If we’re willing to be taken to the extreme of His glory where we gain intimate knowledge, we will undoubtedly see Him in situations that we cannot explain and that sometimes disturb. Then the question: what will we do when we can’t explain what Jesus is doing? Based on earthly evidence, human reasoning concludes that He is either mean or weak. Will we stand by faith when human logic says to run?”

12 of 14: Time to Process: Part 1

Sooooo…here’s the whole point of the matter, here’s what I’ve processed over the last year.

REVELATION(S)

First weeks upon return to the U.S. –

1) Even though living in the “upper room” was NOT our idea of “how to be a missionary in Italy”, it is extremely obvious to us that God had us right there for a very definite reason. We were able to see up close and personal a particular problem with the church in Vicenza that we later found out is a problem with churches all over Europe. It is nothing we can expound upon in this testimony, but it was definitely an eye-opener.

2) It is likely as well that God had us there so we could physically pray over the city. Randall came through on this one, but boy, I sure didn’t. I was too busy hanging on for dear life.

3) 03-16-2010-We received this daily devotional from: Today God Is First (TGIF) devotional message, It reads as follows:

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." - John 12:24 Almost every significant thing God births He allows to die before the vision is fulfilled in His own way.

-Abraham had a vision of being the father of a great nation (birth). Sarah was barren and became too old to have children (death). God gave Abraham and Sarah a son in their old age. He became the father of a great nation (fulfillment).

-Joseph had a vision that he would be a great leader and that many would bow down to him (birth). Joseph's brothers sold him to some merchants and he became a slave. Later he was falsely condemned to spend his years in prison (death). God allowed Joseph to interpret the dreams of the butler and baker and later the king, whereupon, he was made a ruler in the land (fulfillment).

-Moses had a vision of leading his people out of the bondage of Egypt (birth). Pharaoh as well as his own people drove Moses out of Egypt after Moses' first attempt to relieve their bondage (death). God gave Moses signs and wonders to convince Pharaoh to free the people and bring them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land (fulfillment).

-The disciples had a vision of establishing the Kingdom of God with Jesus (birth). The very ones He came to save killed Jesus, and the disciples saw Him buried in a tomb (death). God raised Jesus from the dead, and the disciples performed great miracles until the gospel had spread through all the world (fulfillment).

-A grain of wheat has a "vision" of reproducing itself and many more grains of wheat (birth). The grain dies in the ground (death). A harvest springs up out of the very process of "death" in the ground (fulfillment).

Has God given you a vision that is yet unfulfilled? If that vision is born of God, He will raise it up in His own way. Do not try to raise the vision in your own strength. Like Moses, who tried to fulfill the vision of freeing the Hebrews by killing the Egyptian, it will only fail. But wait on your heavenly Father to fulfill the vision. Then you will know that it was His vision when He fulfills it in the way only He can do. (CopyrightbyOsHillman,Marketplace)”

Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:17:29 –0500 – an email I sent out to 3 friends:

After some deliberation i decided to watch one i've watched at least 2 other times (a Beth Moore video on LifeToday) called "The Presence of God", because one of my most unanswered questions about what happened in Italy was where was the presence of God during that struggle. It's based on the account in Exodus 33 when God told Moses that He would send an angel to lead them to the Promised Land and give them every victory and all the milk and honey they could stand, but that God Himself would not go with them because He might "destroy their scrawny necks" (Beth Moore translation). And Moses tells God that if He is not going with them, they are not going, no deal. So after a conversation between God and Moses when God tells him that He will go with them after all, Moses says "Show me Your glory."

vs. 21-23: Then the Lord said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When My glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with My hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove My hand and you will see My back; but My face must not be seen."

Beth Moore: “The picture of seeing God, not from the front because His face cannot be seen, but from the back. And when we come out on the other side and look back we see that God was there all along, putting people in my path, causing people to minister to me, keeping me up on my feet when i wanted to crawl under something and stay...At the times when it seems to be the darkest, could it be because He has covered me with His hand...the darkness is because the hand of God is so close to me that i can't see the other side. It's not about what we feel, but that we KNOW - that my God is loyal to me, a God of covenant.”

Is it not amazing, pathetically amazing, that i've listened to this lesson 2 other times, and it did not stick with me in Italy? (maybe it's only good on American soil)

And that's not the only thing we forgot. Did Randall ever tell you about the vision God gave him when we were in Italy? I totally forgot it, until it came out of Randall's mouth this past Sunday at church, as he was recounting it to someone else.

Randall's vision: He was downstairs in the church auditorium, 3rd day of fasting & praying, face-down on the floor, for God to hear us, answer us, help us, show us His glory, anything. He looked up and around himself (he can’t remember if he looked up in the vision or physically) and saw Emily & Andrew curled up like mice, asleep, and i was asleep next to him. All 3 of us were sleeping peacefully, but we were all on fire, all 4 of us, yet it was a peaceful. He saw something from his peripheral vision, and when he looked, a man with an ornate square-sided shovel was scooping ashes out from under us and putting them on the altar of incense. Then he looked up and saw the 4 horns and realized we were on the Brazen Altar of sacrifice. Then the words flowed over Randall saying “You are the sacrifice… and I AM pleased with you.”

Almost as amazing as the vision itself is the fact that it didn't stay with me when i fell apart in Italy. Perhaps the Hand of God was so close to our faces that we couldn't even receive a vision from Him with anything but dullness.

Also – “Why couldn’t Peter stay afloat through the power of Christ Jesus (when Jesus had allowed him to step out of the boat and walk on the water)? Because Peter switched his focus from Christ to his circumstances (the storm), while Christ remained tightly focused on His destination.” – Beth Moore Fruit of the Spirit, p. 105

And – Job 23:8-10 “But if I go to the east, He is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find Him. When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him; when He turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”

11 of 14: Our return to the US

Before we left for Italy, i knew i was willing to suffer for the sake of Christ. Yet while we were going through these trials, i kept telling God this was NOT what i had in mind, this was NOT what i signed up for. We had been convinced that our faith in God to provide for us was going to bring Him glory. It seemed that He had missed the opportunity I was handing Him (you absolutely must read that with the humor intended).

The remainder of the timeline in Europe:

12/5 – we asked for money to buy our return tickets to the U.S. to work on qualifying for our visa, and by evening of

12/7 – all the money needed for plane tickets was in our account.

12/7 – on the spur of the moment, we went with several members of the church to GardaLand (a theme park very much like Silver Dollar City), because one of the members was paying for the trip and it meant a free lunch for us.

12/10 – took a train to nearby Venice for the day with Christmas money from my family. It was upon our return home that evening that Randall started coming down with bronchitis.

12/31 – Randall’s birthday. He walked to the hospital at 6:00 am to receive emergency care for his bronchitis.

1/7 – flew out of Venice to London; Andrew cried as we ascended out of Italy – he did not want to leave. Missed our flight departing London because of complications of getting from one airport to the other, but as it turned out our flight, as well as all flight for the next 4 days, was cancelled due to extremely bad weather. So our serendipity was getting to spend 4 days in London with our hotel and one meal per day being paid for by British Airways. FOOD!

4/5 – visa still didn’t work out, Randall offered a job with Rid-a-Pest in Oklahoma, so we moved to Tulsa.

10 of 14: In the Thick of the Battle (Warning: raw & un-edited)

My Journal entries...

11/15 – ”So tomorrow is Andrew’s birthday, and we are poorer than we’ve EVER been. We have some pasta, 1 serving of peas, some carrots, 3? slices of cheese, as well as some cookies and a little juice. No milk, no bread, no meat, no fruit, no eggs, no other vegetables, no money. We have a mini panettone that I bought last week that I will probably have for a birthday cake tomorrow.”

11/18 – “Today all we have to eat is about 1 more meal’s worth of salad (lettuce [from Valeria’s garden – she had a large garden outside of town and would often leave a bag of lettuces on our door], bell pepper, onion, olive oil/vinegar, parmesan cheese), and a little polenta (and 1 more Hershey bar). Today Emily had the clever idea to make unleavened bread, which only takes flour, oil and salt. (She had learned to make this in Bible class a couple of years before).

11/19 – lunch today-polenta with the last of the peppers & onions

dinner – Randall scoured the kitchen cupboards and found some lentils (not asking whose it was or how long they’d been there), so he cooked them with some speck and garlic and a dado cube – YUM! We ran out of flour with Emily’s last batch of unleavened bread, so she found a crock of flour in the cupboard (again, not asking questions) and made another batch of unleavened bread. We ended up practically living on this; we’d spread it with whatever we had on hand: Nutella, peanut butter, honey, till we ran out of all those things and didn’t have money to replace them, then we ‘d have it with just salt. Same thing with the polenta – we’d have it sliced & fried & served with cheese or peppers & onions, or cooked like porridge and served with pancake syrup (till we ran out of pancake syrup).

11/20 – A deposit was made into our account today, which after the automatic life insurance withdrawal that overdrew and subsequent NSF fee/exchange rate translated to $20. Bought a few groceries at the grocery store, then took $2.40 to the alimentaria around the corner to buy bread. I handed the lady the $2.40 and in my very limited Italian told her I wanted that much bread. From my previous experiences of buying bread there I only expected to get 3 or 4 rolls for that price; instead she filled up a whole bag with pane morbido (soft bread rolls). I DID NOT tell her that was ALL the money I had.

Another time when I needed an onion to put in the dado soup, I took the only money I had – 35 cents – to the frutti/veduri shop. The onion actually cost 47 cents, but the man offered to let me have it for the 35 cents.

11/30 – breakfast: chocolate chip pancakes, no syrup left

lunch: polenta (the last of it), pie crusties

dinner: broth with potato & onion, crackers & croutons

12/01 – breakfast: pancakes with the last egg,

lunch: pie crusties (Andrew had a pb/honey sandwich)

dinner: oatmeal

12/02 – breakfast: oatmeal (E/A had cereal, but not enough milk for all of us)

lunch – nothing

dinner – broth with crackers

We had an army of 30-some prayer warriors at our backs long before we moved to Italy, but there were 3 ladies in particular who stepped up to “hold up my arms,” especially when satan REALLY waged war against me (the fiercest part of that battle lasted 3 days, but overall I was living in defeat for several weeks.) Those ladies know very well who they are, and it just makes me sob all over again thinking about it. The reason I want to bring it up is because if you’re reading this and you are not convinced how effective or necessary your prayers are for global missionaries, then you have to know that you would not be reading my testimony, because there would likely not be one. Let there be no mistake about it: spiritual warfare is EXTREMELY different on foreign soil.

Email from L.J. on 12/03/09

“I am now and will continue to pray for all of you. My heart is burdened for you so often during the day, resulting in sudden, quick prayers as well as my more focused and timely prayers. I believe that the Holy Spirit puts you on my heart at times when you need uplifting – and I will follow His urging and take the moment to speak your names to the Father.”

Lyrics from "In The Hands of God" by The Newsboys

"In the hands of God we will fall

Rest for the restless and the weary

Hope for the sinner.

In the hands of God we stand tall,

Hands that are mighty to deliver, giving us freedom.

Oh, YOU’RE AMAZING! YOU’RE AMAZING, YOU ARE

YOU’RE AMAZING! YOU’RE AMAZING YOU ARE!

AND WE PRAISE YOU, LORD, FOR WHAT YOUR HANDS HAVE DONE

YOU’RE AMAZING! YOU’RE AMAZING, YOU ARE!"

Here is the letter i sent out to 4 people on 12/5/09:

“We have been asking you for the last 2-3 weeks to pray for a certain “block” to be lifted, but we have felt unable to explain what the block is. Well, now we are going to tell you.

You all know that we came here to Italy with no visa, trusting that God would provide one before our 3-6 months was up. You also know that we committed to depending completely on God to provide our finances. So the Lord brought us here to Italy with His mighty hand, parting the sea to get us here on one-way tickets and no visa. He also provided literally the thousands of dollars needed between July 6 and the beginning of October to get us here. An unprecedented lavishing on us of finances to buy plane tickets, take the trip to Houston to apply for the visa as well as ALL the required documents that go into that process, the trip to Ohio to see my family before moving, and many more things. We paid every single bill/obligation that we knew of, even bills we hadn’t received. (You can imagine the surprise when I walked into the office where Andrew had had several appointments last winter and asked about the bill for co-payments that I had never received. They actually had to scramble around for a couple of days before they knew what I was talking about.) I’m just saying all that to explain that God provided all the necessary funds to pay every bill/obligation we had, as well as every step of preparation to make this move.

Now since we’ve been here, the abundant provisions have ceased. As in, we can’t take a single step without people around us knowing something is amiss. When Angie calls to see if Emily can come over to help babysit, I don’t have 1.20 to buy a bus ticket (actually 2.40 for round-trip). When Titus asks Randall where the bike is that was given to him, Randall says it’s in the repair shop (where it’s been for the last 4 weeks because we don’t have the 50 euro to pay for the repairs). When Titus asks Randall why he’s not using the Wind stick he gave us so we could actually have internet here in our apartment instead of standing across the street in the cold/rain, Randall says he just hasn’t gotten around to getting it activated yet (because we don’t have the 30 euro per month that requires). Or when Victoria, a lady from the church here, passed by me one evening when I was on the internet, asked me why I just didn’t go into that café across the street and get on my computer there, I told her because I think i would be expected to buy something there, and she said I could just order an espresso (but I don’t have the 1 euro it takes to buy an espresso). Or, I asked Francesco if his wife has a vacuum cleaner I can borrow so I can vacuum up the enormous dust bunnies that breed continually in this apartment, and he showed me that the church already has a vacuum cleaner, and it’s the kind I like (yea!). Only he takes it apart to find out that it needs a new bag, and,” Sherry, you can just go to the hardware store directly across from us and BUY a package of new bags” (sigh – the dust bunnies will probably breed and grow and swallow us up).

SOOOOO, how did we get from abundant provisions lavished upon us…to having meals that consist ONLY of unleavened bread (flatbread sounds more gourmet), or ONLY of polenta (praise God that I do love polenta- who knew that there were so many ways to eat polenta? but it’s nice with other foods too) Truly, the only healthy meals we have had in the last month have been the ones we’ve eaten at Titus & Angie’s house (praise God that she loves to be hospitable, AND she’s a good cook).

AND…how is it that we only have less than 4 weeks left before we have to leave the E.U., at least for a few days, and there is no sign of a visa yet?

We have been so frustrated with God over the last 2 days for bringing us here, only to abandon us. We had hit the wall and felt like we couldn’t take another step; this is NOT what we signed up for. I can sooner wrap my mind around the God who allowed our baby to die than to wrap my mind around the God who told us to “go to Italy, trust Me and I will take care of everything,” and then abandoned us. But tonight as I laid in bed, unable to sleep, I am overwhelmed with the thought that He has NOT brought us here only to last 3 months and then that’s it – back to “normal” life.

Don’t get me wrong on one thing: we could almost consider sticking it out and living on the meager funds we’ve had, but that still doesn’t take care of the visa issue.

No doubt at least some of this has been spiritual warfare, and we HAVE prayed and banished pretty much every evil spirit we can think of out of our apartment and out of this city. Otherwise, we are completely baffled at this turn of events.

Yesterday when Randall told Emily that we were probably going to have to move back to NW Arkansas, I totally expected her to be deliriously happy. Would you believe that she cried, not because she’s deliriously happy, but because she DOESN’T want to move back. Let me say that again, because you probably think you read it wrong: Emily cried because she does not want to move back. She likes it here, and she said God brought us here, and it would be wrong to give up and move back. The same girl who NEVER wanted to move to Italy in the first place, and until just a few weeks ago was having a crisis over wanting to move back.

So how does God work so profoundly on our little girl’s heart that she’d now rather live in Italy than America, and how does He allow Randall & me to so fall in love with a culture and people that we don’t experience any kind of culture shock; in fact, life in Italy has been the ONLY joy in being here, only to say, “Well, I just wanted to see if you’d actually follow through with My command to go to Italy on faith alone, and now I want you to go back to the U.S.? “

We are begging, pleading, crying out, for all of you to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY for us. We DO NOT want to give up, we DO NOT want to move back to the U.S., we believe God called us to live here for a LONG time, and we WANT to live here for a long time. We would LOVE so much to come back to the U.S. a.s.a.p., to (first of all, EAT – I just want some food ) get our visa and tie up all the loose ends we left hanging (a mess in storage, etc.), come back here to Italy and get on with a “real” life. One where we are actually able to accomplish something. One where we don’t look so needy to everyone who is watching. And one where we actually have our own home, where we’re not in someone else’s way and they are not in our way, and we don’t have to pack up every single belonging we have into one room every Sunday morning and then put it back every Sunday evening, after cleaning up from “our 150 guests.”

Do NOT read this question without reading through the rest of this testimony! -

The bottom line to our struggle – "what do you do when you’ve vowed to tell no one but God what your needs are, and He comes through at first, but then you feel that He “drops you?”

During all this time, Randall & i never experienced any semblance of culture shock. There was never a time when we looked around us in exasperation and thought "these people are so stupid; why are we here?" We were so totally expecting it, hoping it would pass quickly. Emily & Andrew both went through it. But i remember one Saturday evening in particular, in mid-November, when i was in a pit of despair, going for a walk around the city center. EVERYONE was out for the passagiatta (evening stroll), all the shops were open, Christmas was in the air, and i remember standing in the middle of all these Italian people and thinking how surreal this all is, that i'm really here, and these people are so beautiful. I can't believe Randall let the potato soup burn (the only potatoes we had left!), I'm hungry and angry, God has abandoned betrayed, forsaken us, but these people are so beautiful. What a privilege to be here.