Our Bread of The Presence Anniversary

Today is our Bread of the Presence anniversary.  It’s pretty unlikely that anyone reading this has ever heard of such a remembrance, and I’m not even sure I can communicate effectively the profound significance this day holds for us.  Even though it happened 2 years ago, this is the first time we’re celebrating it because we just realized what happened a few months ago.

Hopefully if you’re reading this you’ve already read my testimony (pages 1-14).  You’ll know already by my journal entries during this time 2 years ago that I was desperately struggling with believing that God had abandoned, betrayed and forsaken us, because He was not providing for us in the way that I had expected Him to.  We were starving in many ways during this time.  You’ll also remember that I was doing Beth Moore’s Bible study on the tabernacle during our time in Italy.  I usually dated each lesson as I did it, and some days I did 2 lessons because I had nothing better to do than study God’s Word more. 

Earlier this year I watched one of Beth Moore’s lessons on Life Today called “The Bread of The Presence”, where she tied together the scriptures in John 6 where Jesus calls Himself the Bread of Life, Exodus 16 where God gave the Israelites manna to eat in the desert, and Leviticus 24 where God gives instructions for the bread of the Presence on the table in the tabernacle.  I found these connections profoundly fascinating.  I began to make my own connection at that time between these scriptures and the unleavened bread that we sometimes lived on in Italy.

Some time later I was doing this same tabernacle study again.  When I reached the lesson on The Bread of the Presence, I noticed that the date I originally did it was 11/18/09.  I also noticed that I did 2 lessons that same day, which told me I was having a particularly hard time coping that day.  November 18 sounded vaguely familiar to me, so I went to my prayer journal to see if I had written anything that day.  I nearly fell over when I read the entry for that day:

“Today Emily had the clever idea to make unleavened bread, which only takes flour, oil and salt. (She had learned to make this in Bible class a couple of years before).”

I am absolutely convinced that this was God’s way of showing us that His Presence was indeed with us during that time, only we couldn’t see it until 1 1/2 years later.  As I pointed out in my original testimony, His Hand covered our faces at the time, so we could see His Glory only after He passed by.

HE…IS…SO…BRILLIANT

HE…IS…SO…AMAZING!!!!

Blasted Hormones and "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"

Next week is the 2-year anniversary of when God "parted the waters" to get us to Italy.  As i said in my post about Molly, i have a terrible memory on some things, but i have the "gift" of remembering dates/events.  I've been considering writing about our Italian life as we go through these next 4 months, and if we get to make our mission/survey trip to the U.K. and Italy in November, i plan to blog about that each day.

I am smack dab in the middle of my 40's now, and even though changing hormones are NOT an issue with me yet, i think i'm old enough to use it as a light-hearted excuse for all the times that i can't hold back the tears over things that others think are silly or almost insignificant.  So whenever i mention "blasted hormones" in my post, you'll know why.

Last week, i heard the song "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire", officially known as "The Christmas Song". It took me approximately 2 seconds to recognize it, and just as immediately to burst into tears.  There are a hundred different things that remind me of our life in Italy, but very few are as emotional to me as hearing that song because of what it reminds me of.

Our church apartment (the "Upper Room") was situated at the "T" of Corso Palladio, the most famous pedestrian street in Vicenza.  Whenever we walked out our door, we could either turn right, left, or go straight onto Corso Palladio.  Across the street from us was a piazza (a small park) situated in front of a big, beautiful white museum with columns, statues and marble steps around the front.  The steps that faced Corso Palladio was our internet spot, the closest location we could go to get on the computer.  Which we did multiple times every day.  Whether it was warm, cold, sunny, raining, snowing, early morning, late evening, rush hour, whatever.  To check the bank balance, email, facebook, make phone calls on skype to friends and family, participate in ladies bible study with Grace Harbor church via skype video, whatever.  And besides our internet spot, we would very often (daily) walk on up Corso Palladio and the surrounding neighborhoods.  The only supermarket within walking distance was at the opposite end of the street (less than a mile?), and in between was an entire historic and beautiful neighborhood (500-800 year old buildings) of shops that covered everything from very high-end clothing and decorating boutiques to 2 locations of Tutti al Euro (Everything's a Dollar).  Just up the street and around the corner was the Piazza Dei Signori where the twice-weekly markets, the Chocolate Festival and the Christmas & Epiphany markets were held.  And every Saturday evening Corso Palladio was where the "passagiatta" happened (the evening stroll, where everyone is out walking around seeing and being seen).

And every time we walked out our front door and across the street, there was the chestnut stand, where a lady with short, spiky, flaming red hair (or her husband) was roasting chestnuts.  Randall & i bought a bag once, when we had the money, because neither of us had ever had chestnuts that we knew of.  One bag was all we ever bought; we weren't impressed so it must be an acquired taste.

So every single weekday (because we were in Italy during the entire fall season, past Christmas & Epiphany), and even on Sunday afternoons during the Christmas season, we saw her (or him) whether we thought about it or not.  I wonder if she thought it was weird that we passed by her so often with laptop in hand to go sit on the steps across the street.  And so many times i would start singing the chestnut song, either in part or from beginning to end, to whichever family member was with me.  Just trying to be light-hearted.  And because i've always liked that song, but somehow when you're living in a foreign culture singing a song you've known all your life is comforting.

So since i fell apart over the chestnut song last week, i've been trying to remember if there was any other person that we saw more frequently than the chestnut lady or her husband, and nobody else comes to mind.  And what shatters my heart is that i never really attempted to converse with her, except to acknowledge her with a "Buon Giorno" if i caught her eye as i passed by, or the one time we bought the bag of chestnuts from her.  It probably seems to most of you reading this, as it does to me as i write this in retrospect, that it should have been a great big "duh" to have tried to talk with her.  But if you've read my testimony you'll know that i spent the majority of the 100 days in a sort of crisis mode with life. Thankfully Randall made small attempts, such as on a rainy day he said "Che bello tempo!" (What beautiful weather!), and she replied with a smile, "per un'anatra" (for a duck)."

I have looked up our neighborhood on Google Maps, and you can see our church apartment, the "internet steps" and the chestnut stand; unfortunately it wasn't open when the photo was taken.  If we get to go to Italy in November, you'd better believe i'll be buying a bag of chestnuts from her.  And attempting to talk to her.  If i can hold back the stupid tears long enough to not look like an idiot.

P.S. Just so you understand how sappy and sentimental i am, i couldn't even edit this post without crying.  Blasted hormones!

9/8 Deathdate Musings - grateful for blessings!

Seventeen years ago last night, as i laid down to sleep in the waiting room of Arkansas Children's Hospital, i so distinctly remember telling Randall that i hoped when i awoke in the morning everything we'd just been told would have been a nightmare, not reality.  Sadly it was reality.

No matter how many years pass by, we mamas (and daddies) remember all the minute-by-minute details of our children's death.  I have trouble remembering names and taking my blood pressure pill and whether i shampooed my hair yesterday, but i remember tiny little snipets of those last 20 hours as if i'm watching a slow-motion film.  Like after the doctor told us Wednesday evening that if Molly didn't show any signs of improvement from the ekg they'd do the next morning they'd have to take her off the ECMO unit, and how suddenly sugar sweet the nurses were to us, offering to allow me to "sponge bathe" Molly (very tricky with all the tubes and wires she was hooked up to).  And how i'd already read through the entire Beginner's Bible aloud to her during that week, but i read it aloud to her from beginning to end again between Wednesday evening and Thursday afternoon.  And waking up at 5:30 Thursday morning (to a cold reality rather than a nightmare) to go in and sit with her and read and sing to her some more.  And the chaplain who spent time ministering to us and showing us a selection of little bitty smocked gowns to choose from that ladies routinely make for these kind of occasions.  And how every spare moment i had that morning i spent in the chapel begging God to save her life.

And i remember the various friends and family, and friends of friends who dropped in at the hospital to minister to us, and i SO DISTINCTLY remember how comforting that was to me.  Some were people i hadn't seen since graduating from Harding, but they dropped everything and came to Little Rock when they heard what was happening.  I remember being allowed to hold Molly for the last time before they would remove her from life support, and being told that i could take as much time as i wanted.  But i've never been one to prolong the inevitable, so after about 5 minutes i handed her back to them and told them to get it over with.  She wasn't conscious anyway, and the fact was i could have sat there for the rest of my life just holding her, but what was the point?  And then we all sat outside the room and waited for about 30 minutes, till one of the doctors came out and said she'd already "expired".  (I can't tell you how much i loathe that word when used for people - coupons "expire", not babies.)  And how i simply couldn't believe that God missed the opportunity for a miracle.

I also remember how my precious husband kept telling me throughout that week, and throughout that day, that "We're gonna praise God, no matter what."  I'd never heard or thought of that before, so it was a new concept to me.  And a strange one.

So now here we are, 17 years later, same day of the week, even.  Still remembering and sobbing.  And still learning/trying to praise God no matter what happens.  Looking around me and seeing that same precious husband, a thousand times more dear to me than 17 years ago, and 2 precious children, and even a dog. (But the dog is only precious because of my children :0)  Anytime someone i'm meeting asks me how many children we have, there's always this moment of hesitation and indecision of how to answer.  We have 2 children here to be seen by all, but the fact is we have 3 children - one of them is waiting for us in heaven.

14 of 14: The Conclusion (at least for today)

CONCLUSION

(Don't start here! Go to 1 of 14)

There was a lot more that happened in Italy, several more facets to this testimony than what I’ve told here. But what I have told you is most relevant. Our story can be summed up in this: God called us to go to Italy, and we obeyed. He called us to go to Italy FULLY, 100% trusting Him for EVERYTHING, and we obeyed. By the time we arrived in Italy I fully believed we had found some “secret”, some “great revelation” to trusting in God, and that depending on Him alone for our funding was going to bring Him amazing glory. I wanted everyone else to be in on this “secret” too. I fully believed that God would provide the other 82%, whatever that was. He obviously had other ideas for us, knowing that my faith needed to be stretched in ways that I never imagined “He would do to us.”

I want to make a very important point here: I have by no means “arrived” on this trusting-in-God issue. I am still struggling with it, even now. It is actually one reason that it took me 2 1/2 months to write this testimony, because I woke up so many days thinking how totally unqualified I am to write about fully trusting in God when in fact I am freaking out about where He has us now and how it makes no sense and I’m sick of living like this. But I now have the lessons of our Italy experience to give me something to work with as I wrestle with walking by faith and not by sight.

And that explains why Abraham is one of my favorite Bible examples right now. When Abraham lived his life on earth, so far as we know, God had never asked someone else to leave their homeland and family to “Go to the land I will show you.” So far as we know God had never asked for the sacrifice of one’s child. He did not even have the law yet to go by. And yet Abraham did these things and more with faith in God Most High. It seems that the majority of his life was spent not having a clue what God was doing or why He was calling Abraham to such unprecedented actions, yet Abraham obeyed anyway. And when he breathed his last, he still didn’t have most of the answers. Yet we have his example in Hebrews of profound faith to trust God when God simply didn’t make sense. That is unspeakably meaningful to me.

Also, I can’t wrap this up without mentioning Emily. Our daughter who never wanted to go to Italy in the first place, but went along with it because that’s her way. And then when we moved there, she was the one who experienced the worst culture shock, so that I was ready to ship her back home on the next plane (not really, but she was exasperating). Since we’ve been back, I’ve asked her how she’ll feel about our next move to Italy, and she said it’ll be fine with her (she has never been one for long, flowery responses).

Back in January, she announced to her daddy and me that God has called her to missions in England. Let me unwrap that for you a little more slowly: she announced to her daddy and me (first time she’s ever announced anything to us), that God has called her (first time she’s ever indicated that she’s listening or receptive to God speaking to her), to missions (first time missions has ever been mentioned as part of her own future), in England (the girl who said before moving to Italy that she just wanted to keep living in Fayetteville in a house with a dog near family). I still cannot speak of it without sobbing. God is so amazing!

Once again, the Job 23:8-10 scripture - “…He is not there…I do not find Him…I do not see Him…I catch no glimpse of Him…but (Praise God!) He KNOWS THE WAY THAT I TAKE!” GLORY!!

13 of 14: Time to Process: Part 2

Second Wave of Processing: July- onward – I reached the point where I could look back at the suffering we’d gone through, realizing that God was there all along, astonished and amazed that He considered us worthy enough to suffer for Him, and say to Him, humbly and with tears, “I’d do it all over again if You want me to, in a heartbeat.”

Third Wave: God helped me realize that pride and arrogance had been issues with me during part of this journey – as somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction to all the criticism we received for not doing missions the “standard way”.

Fourth Wave: When I seriously didn’t think there could be anymore processing left to experience, God gave me even more. While I was going through Beth Moore’s John the Beloved Disciple study, a concept came up that was profoundly meaningful to me:

“The very thing that set John apart and made him the fertile soil into which God could sow the seeds of such a gospel, such epistles, and such a revelation – John remained nearby Jesus…, (John is the only disciple that we’re told stood nearby Jesus throughout His trial/beatings/crucifixion) stood nearby when human reason implied that his faithful Leader’s mission had failed… If we’re willing to be taken to the extreme of His glory where we gain intimate knowledge, we will undoubtedly see Him in situations that we cannot explain and that sometimes disturb. Then the question: what will we do when we can’t explain what Jesus is doing? Based on earthly evidence, human reasoning concludes that He is either mean or weak. Will we stand by faith when human logic says to run?”

12 of 14: Time to Process: Part 1

Sooooo…here’s the whole point of the matter, here’s what I’ve processed over the last year.

REVELATION(S)

First weeks upon return to the U.S. –

1) Even though living in the “upper room” was NOT our idea of “how to be a missionary in Italy”, it is extremely obvious to us that God had us right there for a very definite reason. We were able to see up close and personal a particular problem with the church in Vicenza that we later found out is a problem with churches all over Europe. It is nothing we can expound upon in this testimony, but it was definitely an eye-opener.

2) It is likely as well that God had us there so we could physically pray over the city. Randall came through on this one, but boy, I sure didn’t. I was too busy hanging on for dear life.

3) 03-16-2010-We received this daily devotional from: Today God Is First (TGIF) devotional message, It reads as follows:

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." - John 12:24 Almost every significant thing God births He allows to die before the vision is fulfilled in His own way.

-Abraham had a vision of being the father of a great nation (birth). Sarah was barren and became too old to have children (death). God gave Abraham and Sarah a son in their old age. He became the father of a great nation (fulfillment).

-Joseph had a vision that he would be a great leader and that many would bow down to him (birth). Joseph's brothers sold him to some merchants and he became a slave. Later he was falsely condemned to spend his years in prison (death). God allowed Joseph to interpret the dreams of the butler and baker and later the king, whereupon, he was made a ruler in the land (fulfillment).

-Moses had a vision of leading his people out of the bondage of Egypt (birth). Pharaoh as well as his own people drove Moses out of Egypt after Moses' first attempt to relieve their bondage (death). God gave Moses signs and wonders to convince Pharaoh to free the people and bring them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land (fulfillment).

-The disciples had a vision of establishing the Kingdom of God with Jesus (birth). The very ones He came to save killed Jesus, and the disciples saw Him buried in a tomb (death). God raised Jesus from the dead, and the disciples performed great miracles until the gospel had spread through all the world (fulfillment).

-A grain of wheat has a "vision" of reproducing itself and many more grains of wheat (birth). The grain dies in the ground (death). A harvest springs up out of the very process of "death" in the ground (fulfillment).

Has God given you a vision that is yet unfulfilled? If that vision is born of God, He will raise it up in His own way. Do not try to raise the vision in your own strength. Like Moses, who tried to fulfill the vision of freeing the Hebrews by killing the Egyptian, it will only fail. But wait on your heavenly Father to fulfill the vision. Then you will know that it was His vision when He fulfills it in the way only He can do. (CopyrightbyOsHillman,Marketplace)”

Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:17:29 –0500 – an email I sent out to 3 friends:

After some deliberation i decided to watch one i've watched at least 2 other times (a Beth Moore video on LifeToday) called "The Presence of God", because one of my most unanswered questions about what happened in Italy was where was the presence of God during that struggle. It's based on the account in Exodus 33 when God told Moses that He would send an angel to lead them to the Promised Land and give them every victory and all the milk and honey they could stand, but that God Himself would not go with them because He might "destroy their scrawny necks" (Beth Moore translation). And Moses tells God that if He is not going with them, they are not going, no deal. So after a conversation between God and Moses when God tells him that He will go with them after all, Moses says "Show me Your glory."

vs. 21-23: Then the Lord said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When My glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with My hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove My hand and you will see My back; but My face must not be seen."

Beth Moore: “The picture of seeing God, not from the front because His face cannot be seen, but from the back. And when we come out on the other side and look back we see that God was there all along, putting people in my path, causing people to minister to me, keeping me up on my feet when i wanted to crawl under something and stay...At the times when it seems to be the darkest, could it be because He has covered me with His hand...the darkness is because the hand of God is so close to me that i can't see the other side. It's not about what we feel, but that we KNOW - that my God is loyal to me, a God of covenant.”

Is it not amazing, pathetically amazing, that i've listened to this lesson 2 other times, and it did not stick with me in Italy? (maybe it's only good on American soil)

And that's not the only thing we forgot. Did Randall ever tell you about the vision God gave him when we were in Italy? I totally forgot it, until it came out of Randall's mouth this past Sunday at church, as he was recounting it to someone else.

Randall's vision: He was downstairs in the church auditorium, 3rd day of fasting & praying, face-down on the floor, for God to hear us, answer us, help us, show us His glory, anything. He looked up and around himself (he can’t remember if he looked up in the vision or physically) and saw Emily & Andrew curled up like mice, asleep, and i was asleep next to him. All 3 of us were sleeping peacefully, but we were all on fire, all 4 of us, yet it was a peaceful. He saw something from his peripheral vision, and when he looked, a man with an ornate square-sided shovel was scooping ashes out from under us and putting them on the altar of incense. Then he looked up and saw the 4 horns and realized we were on the Brazen Altar of sacrifice. Then the words flowed over Randall saying “You are the sacrifice… and I AM pleased with you.”

Almost as amazing as the vision itself is the fact that it didn't stay with me when i fell apart in Italy. Perhaps the Hand of God was so close to our faces that we couldn't even receive a vision from Him with anything but dullness.

Also – “Why couldn’t Peter stay afloat through the power of Christ Jesus (when Jesus had allowed him to step out of the boat and walk on the water)? Because Peter switched his focus from Christ to his circumstances (the storm), while Christ remained tightly focused on His destination.” – Beth Moore Fruit of the Spirit, p. 105

And – Job 23:8-10 “But if I go to the east, He is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find Him. When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him; when He turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”

11 of 14: Our return to the US

Before we left for Italy, i knew i was willing to suffer for the sake of Christ. Yet while we were going through these trials, i kept telling God this was NOT what i had in mind, this was NOT what i signed up for. We had been convinced that our faith in God to provide for us was going to bring Him glory. It seemed that He had missed the opportunity I was handing Him (you absolutely must read that with the humor intended).

The remainder of the timeline in Europe:

12/5 – we asked for money to buy our return tickets to the U.S. to work on qualifying for our visa, and by evening of

12/7 – all the money needed for plane tickets was in our account.

12/7 – on the spur of the moment, we went with several members of the church to GardaLand (a theme park very much like Silver Dollar City), because one of the members was paying for the trip and it meant a free lunch for us.

12/10 – took a train to nearby Venice for the day with Christmas money from my family. It was upon our return home that evening that Randall started coming down with bronchitis.

12/31 – Randall’s birthday. He walked to the hospital at 6:00 am to receive emergency care for his bronchitis.

1/7 – flew out of Venice to London; Andrew cried as we ascended out of Italy – he did not want to leave. Missed our flight departing London because of complications of getting from one airport to the other, but as it turned out our flight, as well as all flight for the next 4 days, was cancelled due to extremely bad weather. So our serendipity was getting to spend 4 days in London with our hotel and one meal per day being paid for by British Airways. FOOD!

4/5 – visa still didn’t work out, Randall offered a job with Rid-a-Pest in Oklahoma, so we moved to Tulsa.

10 of 14: In the Thick of the Battle (Warning: raw & un-edited)

My Journal entries...

11/15 – ”So tomorrow is Andrew’s birthday, and we are poorer than we’ve EVER been. We have some pasta, 1 serving of peas, some carrots, 3? slices of cheese, as well as some cookies and a little juice. No milk, no bread, no meat, no fruit, no eggs, no other vegetables, no money. We have a mini panettone that I bought last week that I will probably have for a birthday cake tomorrow.”

11/18 – “Today all we have to eat is about 1 more meal’s worth of salad (lettuce [from Valeria’s garden – she had a large garden outside of town and would often leave a bag of lettuces on our door], bell pepper, onion, olive oil/vinegar, parmesan cheese), and a little polenta (and 1 more Hershey bar). Today Emily had the clever idea to make unleavened bread, which only takes flour, oil and salt. (She had learned to make this in Bible class a couple of years before).

11/19 – lunch today-polenta with the last of the peppers & onions

dinner – Randall scoured the kitchen cupboards and found some lentils (not asking whose it was or how long they’d been there), so he cooked them with some speck and garlic and a dado cube – YUM! We ran out of flour with Emily’s last batch of unleavened bread, so she found a crock of flour in the cupboard (again, not asking questions) and made another batch of unleavened bread. We ended up practically living on this; we’d spread it with whatever we had on hand: Nutella, peanut butter, honey, till we ran out of all those things and didn’t have money to replace them, then we ‘d have it with just salt. Same thing with the polenta – we’d have it sliced & fried & served with cheese or peppers & onions, or cooked like porridge and served with pancake syrup (till we ran out of pancake syrup).

11/20 – A deposit was made into our account today, which after the automatic life insurance withdrawal that overdrew and subsequent NSF fee/exchange rate translated to $20. Bought a few groceries at the grocery store, then took $2.40 to the alimentaria around the corner to buy bread. I handed the lady the $2.40 and in my very limited Italian told her I wanted that much bread. From my previous experiences of buying bread there I only expected to get 3 or 4 rolls for that price; instead she filled up a whole bag with pane morbido (soft bread rolls). I DID NOT tell her that was ALL the money I had.

Another time when I needed an onion to put in the dado soup, I took the only money I had – 35 cents – to the frutti/veduri shop. The onion actually cost 47 cents, but the man offered to let me have it for the 35 cents.

11/30 – breakfast: chocolate chip pancakes, no syrup left

lunch: polenta (the last of it), pie crusties

dinner: broth with potato & onion, crackers & croutons

12/01 – breakfast: pancakes with the last egg,

lunch: pie crusties (Andrew had a pb/honey sandwich)

dinner: oatmeal

12/02 – breakfast: oatmeal (E/A had cereal, but not enough milk for all of us)

lunch – nothing

dinner – broth with crackers

We had an army of 30-some prayer warriors at our backs long before we moved to Italy, but there were 3 ladies in particular who stepped up to “hold up my arms,” especially when satan REALLY waged war against me (the fiercest part of that battle lasted 3 days, but overall I was living in defeat for several weeks.) Those ladies know very well who they are, and it just makes me sob all over again thinking about it. The reason I want to bring it up is because if you’re reading this and you are not convinced how effective or necessary your prayers are for global missionaries, then you have to know that you would not be reading my testimony, because there would likely not be one. Let there be no mistake about it: spiritual warfare is EXTREMELY different on foreign soil.

Email from L.J. on 12/03/09

“I am now and will continue to pray for all of you. My heart is burdened for you so often during the day, resulting in sudden, quick prayers as well as my more focused and timely prayers. I believe that the Holy Spirit puts you on my heart at times when you need uplifting – and I will follow His urging and take the moment to speak your names to the Father.”

Lyrics from "In The Hands of God" by The Newsboys

"In the hands of God we will fall

Rest for the restless and the weary

Hope for the sinner.

In the hands of God we stand tall,

Hands that are mighty to deliver, giving us freedom.

Oh, YOU’RE AMAZING! YOU’RE AMAZING, YOU ARE

YOU’RE AMAZING! YOU’RE AMAZING YOU ARE!

AND WE PRAISE YOU, LORD, FOR WHAT YOUR HANDS HAVE DONE

YOU’RE AMAZING! YOU’RE AMAZING, YOU ARE!"

Here is the letter i sent out to 4 people on 12/5/09:

“We have been asking you for the last 2-3 weeks to pray for a certain “block” to be lifted, but we have felt unable to explain what the block is. Well, now we are going to tell you.

You all know that we came here to Italy with no visa, trusting that God would provide one before our 3-6 months was up. You also know that we committed to depending completely on God to provide our finances. So the Lord brought us here to Italy with His mighty hand, parting the sea to get us here on one-way tickets and no visa. He also provided literally the thousands of dollars needed between July 6 and the beginning of October to get us here. An unprecedented lavishing on us of finances to buy plane tickets, take the trip to Houston to apply for the visa as well as ALL the required documents that go into that process, the trip to Ohio to see my family before moving, and many more things. We paid every single bill/obligation that we knew of, even bills we hadn’t received. (You can imagine the surprise when I walked into the office where Andrew had had several appointments last winter and asked about the bill for co-payments that I had never received. They actually had to scramble around for a couple of days before they knew what I was talking about.) I’m just saying all that to explain that God provided all the necessary funds to pay every bill/obligation we had, as well as every step of preparation to make this move.

Now since we’ve been here, the abundant provisions have ceased. As in, we can’t take a single step without people around us knowing something is amiss. When Angie calls to see if Emily can come over to help babysit, I don’t have 1.20 to buy a bus ticket (actually 2.40 for round-trip). When Titus asks Randall where the bike is that was given to him, Randall says it’s in the repair shop (where it’s been for the last 4 weeks because we don’t have the 50 euro to pay for the repairs). When Titus asks Randall why he’s not using the Wind stick he gave us so we could actually have internet here in our apartment instead of standing across the street in the cold/rain, Randall says he just hasn’t gotten around to getting it activated yet (because we don’t have the 30 euro per month that requires). Or when Victoria, a lady from the church here, passed by me one evening when I was on the internet, asked me why I just didn’t go into that café across the street and get on my computer there, I told her because I think i would be expected to buy something there, and she said I could just order an espresso (but I don’t have the 1 euro it takes to buy an espresso). Or, I asked Francesco if his wife has a vacuum cleaner I can borrow so I can vacuum up the enormous dust bunnies that breed continually in this apartment, and he showed me that the church already has a vacuum cleaner, and it’s the kind I like (yea!). Only he takes it apart to find out that it needs a new bag, and,” Sherry, you can just go to the hardware store directly across from us and BUY a package of new bags” (sigh – the dust bunnies will probably breed and grow and swallow us up).

SOOOOO, how did we get from abundant provisions lavished upon us…to having meals that consist ONLY of unleavened bread (flatbread sounds more gourmet), or ONLY of polenta (praise God that I do love polenta- who knew that there were so many ways to eat polenta? but it’s nice with other foods too) Truly, the only healthy meals we have had in the last month have been the ones we’ve eaten at Titus & Angie’s house (praise God that she loves to be hospitable, AND she’s a good cook).

AND…how is it that we only have less than 4 weeks left before we have to leave the E.U., at least for a few days, and there is no sign of a visa yet?

We have been so frustrated with God over the last 2 days for bringing us here, only to abandon us. We had hit the wall and felt like we couldn’t take another step; this is NOT what we signed up for. I can sooner wrap my mind around the God who allowed our baby to die than to wrap my mind around the God who told us to “go to Italy, trust Me and I will take care of everything,” and then abandoned us. But tonight as I laid in bed, unable to sleep, I am overwhelmed with the thought that He has NOT brought us here only to last 3 months and then that’s it – back to “normal” life.

Don’t get me wrong on one thing: we could almost consider sticking it out and living on the meager funds we’ve had, but that still doesn’t take care of the visa issue.

No doubt at least some of this has been spiritual warfare, and we HAVE prayed and banished pretty much every evil spirit we can think of out of our apartment and out of this city. Otherwise, we are completely baffled at this turn of events.

Yesterday when Randall told Emily that we were probably going to have to move back to NW Arkansas, I totally expected her to be deliriously happy. Would you believe that she cried, not because she’s deliriously happy, but because she DOESN’T want to move back. Let me say that again, because you probably think you read it wrong: Emily cried because she does not want to move back. She likes it here, and she said God brought us here, and it would be wrong to give up and move back. The same girl who NEVER wanted to move to Italy in the first place, and until just a few weeks ago was having a crisis over wanting to move back.

So how does God work so profoundly on our little girl’s heart that she’d now rather live in Italy than America, and how does He allow Randall & me to so fall in love with a culture and people that we don’t experience any kind of culture shock; in fact, life in Italy has been the ONLY joy in being here, only to say, “Well, I just wanted to see if you’d actually follow through with My command to go to Italy on faith alone, and now I want you to go back to the U.S.? “

We are begging, pleading, crying out, for all of you to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY for us. We DO NOT want to give up, we DO NOT want to move back to the U.S., we believe God called us to live here for a LONG time, and we WANT to live here for a long time. We would LOVE so much to come back to the U.S. a.s.a.p., to (first of all, EAT – I just want some food ) get our visa and tie up all the loose ends we left hanging (a mess in storage, etc.), come back here to Italy and get on with a “real” life. One where we are actually able to accomplish something. One where we don’t look so needy to everyone who is watching. And one where we actually have our own home, where we’re not in someone else’s way and they are not in our way, and we don’t have to pack up every single belonging we have into one room every Sunday morning and then put it back every Sunday evening, after cleaning up from “our 150 guests.”

Do NOT read this question without reading through the rest of this testimony! -

The bottom line to our struggle – "what do you do when you’ve vowed to tell no one but God what your needs are, and He comes through at first, but then you feel that He “drops you?”

During all this time, Randall & i never experienced any semblance of culture shock. There was never a time when we looked around us in exasperation and thought "these people are so stupid; why are we here?" We were so totally expecting it, hoping it would pass quickly. Emily & Andrew both went through it. But i remember one Saturday evening in particular, in mid-November, when i was in a pit of despair, going for a walk around the city center. EVERYONE was out for the passagiatta (evening stroll), all the shops were open, Christmas was in the air, and i remember standing in the middle of all these Italian people and thinking how surreal this all is, that i'm really here, and these people are so beautiful. I can't believe Randall let the potato soup burn (the only potatoes we had left!), I'm hungry and angry, God has abandoned betrayed, forsaken us, but these people are so beautiful. What a privilege to be here.

9 of 14: The Upper Room

Email from us on 10/26/09

“Just a quick note to let you know that we are still deeply in need of prayers for our children, especially Emily. There honestly has been no improvement or glimmer of hope since last week when i wrote. She is not still sick like she was last week at this time, but she still has quite a stuffy nose and congested cough. The main issue with her is that she refuses to even try to assimilate to this culture. Without going into a lot of the details, in short she is closing up, shutting out. She wouldn't even go to her class at church yesterday, possibly insulting the other girls. We were expecting culture stress and/or shock, and we are hoping that's all this is, and that it will resolve itself quickly.

If any of you are tempted to reply to us that children are resilient and adapt easily/quickly to change, please don't. Changing cultures for a 14-year-old is extremely serious business, and one that we never took lightly. We've always prayed in advance that God would take care of her and walk her through this difficult transition. We are still putting our hope in Him. (see photo of Emily in tears)

Also, our bicycle that we've had less than 8 days was stolen yesterday. Yes, it was locked up, and didn't even have the seat on it (Randall had just started keeping it in our apartment when not in use as a theft deterrent.)” (See photo of Randall & Andrew on the bike)

Friday October 30 – moved into the church apartment while Efram is staying in his apartment, hoping this would be temporary. It wasn’t. Efram had complications of his own that prevented him from returning to Venezuela as soon as he expected.

By far the biggest frustration with living in the church apartment was Sundays. The second floor was used for classrooms both for the Italian service in the morning and the Ghanian service in the afternoon. So every Sunday morning we had to pack up all our belongings and stuff them into one room, fold up and put away E & A’s beds, then after the Ghanians left, which sometimes wasn’t until 6 pm, put everything back and clean up the mess. It was an enormous burden for us, but we were also in their way by being there. It was NOT AT ALL how we expected to be living there. Without a visa/permesso/funding, we had absolutely no choice but to live in the church, but we felt like such a burden on the Italians. Oh God, this cannot be bringing You glory!

What most people don't know, because we've never made this public information, is: We never had more than 18% support. The money for the plane tickets, for the first week's lodging, for buying a few dishes & bed/bath linens - that was all possible through one-time donations. But for monthly, on-going expenses - we never had a dime more than 18% = $875 U.S. dollars, which translated to $630 in European money.

UNLEAVENED BREAD IN THE UPPER ROOM

The money wasn't the only thing i felt was woefully lacking; it was also God's Presence. From the time we moved into the church apartment on October 30, i felt like God had left us. He had shown Himself so amazing in bringing us to Italy, but now that we were there, He seemed to abandon us. Abandoned, betrayed, forsaken. I can't tell you how many times i used those words to describe what God had done to us throughout November & December and beyond. We kept crying out for a word from Him, a sign from Him, anything, but day after day there was nothing. I kept doing my Bible study, Beth Moore's A Woman's Heart - God's Dwelling Place, daily, sometimes twice a day simply because i had nothing better to do. I kept a prayer journal. I prayed, when i had the strength. Randall prayed for me when i didn't.

Without a permesso, we were paralyzed from taking language lessons, and we were living in a city where very little English was spoken.

With only $630, we were paralyzed from going anywhere or accomplishing anything.

With no sign of God's presence, we felt like we'd jumped off the cliff and nobody caught us.

Email from L.J. on 11/11/09

“ I consider your apartment at the church the “upper room.” And I know that the Holy Spirit is there with you guys!”

8 of 14: The 1st month

Our timeline for the 1st month:

September 29 – October 5 – stayed at an agriturismo for the first 7 nights; Titus & Angie left for 3 weeks in the U.S. on October 1, so they lent us their car to use; we acquired a cell phone, started trying to find our way around, were invited to Francesco & Lorenza’s home; went on a “picnic” in the mountains immediately following Italian church service (European idea of picnic is vastly different from American)

October 5-8 – stayed in “church apartment” – the second floor of the church that is used for classrooms, also has a kitchen and bathroom; the church is a store-front, 500-year-old, 3-story building located at the T of Corso Palladio, which is THE MAIN SHOPPING STREET (a Vicenza version of Fifth Avenue, New York) in the historic section of town.

Email from us on 10/-10/09 – More provision:

“A member of the church here has a one-bedroom apartment, but spends most of his time working/living in Venezuela, so he is sub-leasing it out to us at half-rent and utilities, while we look for a more permanent apartment to live in. God is being very gentle with us as we settle into life in Italy, as this situation allows us to have a place to live without commitment or need for visas, or having to go out and buy a WHOLE apartment’s worth of furnishings and supplies.”

This apartment was located 1 mile from the church on a sweet little street/neighborhood, and at the foot of Monte Berico with its 183 steps. We could climb the steps and look out over most of the city from this point, and it became our place to pray over the city.

Francesco told Randall that there is no reason for us to worry about a permesso (permit to stay that is required if you’re staying longer than 8 days, a visa is required to obtain this document, and once obtained it trumps the visa) at this time, so we're not. This seemed like such a blessing when it first happened, and we were relieved because it was one less piece of red tape we had to worry about. Not having a visa was going to make getting a permesso very tricky. But this turned out to be very detrimental. Francesco gave us that advice because he had settled us into Efram's apartment believing that we'd be able to stay there until we returned to the U.S. to get our visas.

What nobody predicted was that Efram unexpectedly returned to Italy on October 30 and didn't leave until right before we left. Francesco allowed us to stay in the "upper room" (our beloved term for the second floor of the church), but without the permesso there was no way to take language lessons, or for Andrew to try public school, or anything. I can actually put a date and hour to the exact time when the tide turned - approximately 12:30 on Sunday October 25 Randall announced to me that Francesco just told him that Efram was coming back and would need his apartment after all. At that point, things took a different turn.

7 of 14: Crossing the Sea

When we took our survey trip to Milan in 2007, our European connection was Frankfurt. As we were going through immigrations, we were asked where we were going, where we were staying, why we were there, how long will we be here, "let me see your return tickets.”

When we drove to the airport on September 28, 2009, we had one-way plane tickets and no visas. No idea whether God would part the sea for us, or if we'd be staying with Randall's parents till we got a plan B. We flew from NW Arkansas to Chicago to Frankfurt to Venice. During each connection, i would sit down in the waiting area to pray while Randall obtained our boarding passes for the next flight.

When we passed through immigrations in Frankfurt this time, the official looked at our passports, asked Randall if we were his family, stamped our passports and sent us on our way. No other questions!

When we arrived in Venice, there were several officers with dogs waiting at the exit to look over everyone's papers. However, by the time we gathered all our trunks and suitcases and went out the door, there was no sign of them anywhere. Only Titus waiting to take us home.

I still cannot think of those 2 days without sobbing. We had never witnessed such a profound miracle of God as we did during that trip.

God You reign, God You reign;

Forever and ever, God You reign! – Lincoln Brewster

Email from us on 9/29/09

“Glory Hallelujah! We made it, we are here, in Vicenza, at Titus & Angie's apartment. God came before us, and so we had NO problems at any of our connections. At XNA, most of our trunks were overweight, but they didn't charge us fees for them, and they even wrapped them in their special tape for us (we could only find 1 TSA approved luggage lock, so we were just hoping for the best.

What we know is that there is NO reason why we should have made it here on one-way plane tickets and no visa, except for the faithfulness, provision and deliverance of God. And we ARE here. It is so overwhelming - such a mixture of excitement and terror - it's kind of like bungie jumping and hoping the rope will catch you. We are on a whole new level of trusting God - for EVERYTHING. As i said back in July when we first bought our plane tickets without having "all our funding up front", that if we got to Venice it would be because God provided what we needed, as we needed it.”

6 of 14: Stepping out

9/23/09 – email to the Italian consulate -

“Sra. Tentoni, We have decided to suspend our visa application at this time. I have been unable to locate a suitable school to enroll with that fits our financial budget. The lowest price I have been able to locate for a recognized school is $2,000 per month. I may have to go to Vicenza personally to locate a school and make arrangements. Please return to me my passport, application, and any other documents I previously entrusted to you with the envelope I also provided. Please reply when you receive this communication. 
Sincerely, 
Randall Adams”

Email from us on 9/26/09

“We have finally just decided to pack 3 priorities only: Clothing, Spiritual Food, & Homeschooling Material. Nothing else will be going at this time...

The other thing is, we still do not have a visa. We were unable to get the requirements worked out that fell apart last week. Randall has requested the consulate to send his passport back that they were holding, so that we can at least still leave on Monday, if God clears the way for us to do that. We will be able to stay in Italy for 6-9 months on our passports and much may change in just three months. There is still much up in the air that we are depending completely on God to work out. We are totally walking by faith, because there is no sight at this point. We serve a mighty God and know that He has called us to this task so we need to be faithful.”

All eyes are on You, Lord

All eyes are on YOU! – TobyMac, Lose My Soul

5 of 14: Wet Blankets

As we fully expected, there were people who truly thought we'd lost our ever-lovin' minds, and a few thought it was their responsibility to let us know how foolish we were:

Email from (blank) 9/1/09 to us

“You make a good argument, but somehow, I just can’t put my arms around this. I will be okay with this if I know Angie and Titus never feel an obligation to support you from their own meager funds, if the church in Italy does not feel guilt ridden because you are in need and takes money designated for other needs to bail you out. I think I would feel okay if I knew your kids and Sherry will never feel hunger or cold or excessive heat – that you will live in a decent apartment, I will feel okay about this if your children are never ashamed because of their clothing in a society that places inordinate attention on clothes, or if I know Sherry will not be ridden with worry because your credit card debt is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I know your arguments about faith and God’s provision. I do not doubt you have felt euphoric in some sense about the course you have taken, but just making a decision one way or another can do that. I may be a complete wet blanket – faithless in your eyes. I just know that if you were a member of one of ___s teams and you were going to go to Italy following this route, ___ would take away their endorsement of your family as a member of that team and if the team was bent on following such a route themselves, we would withdraw our endorsement of the team. I’m not sure, at this point, God hasn’t said “No” to you.”

Everybody’s calling to missions is distinct. God’s calling for Randall & me was first of all to do church-planting movements through business as missions, and second to go to Italy despite only having 18% support and no visa. And we were willing to obey no matter the consequences. Who are we to put our foot down and demand that we have everything laid out in front of us before we will surrender to God’s direction? For many other missionaries, support and visas and other logistical details are not their issues, but God has called them to some other leap of faith.

We did not respond to that particular email, but here is my response to another "wet blanket":

“Concerning our funds: in a nutshell, by the time we step onto Italian soil, it will be because God has provided and led the way before us; in which case you have nothing to fret over.

If we don't make it to Italy, it will be because God has blocked the way for some reason; in which case you still don't have to worry.

Many people have commented on how our economy is a major obstacle to overcome right now. I say that our God, the one who parts the sea and raises the dead, is powerful enough to overcome the economy. While it may be a ‘giant’ in some people’s hearts, it’s nothing for my God and therefore is nothing to us. We have asked for a land that few are asking for. Not because we have the perfect plan or that we’re good enough to go. Far from it. We have asked for this land because we know our God is big enough to give it to us and that there are 60 million people there with less than 1,000 known NT Christians who are worshipping God.”